He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
