God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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