you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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