I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
