Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
my nose is crying tears of wow.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
