The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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