i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
