shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
