dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
