Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Did we literally take a cab across the street
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
