every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize