Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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