It's like God shit irony all over that family
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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