Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
