Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize