i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
