I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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