Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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