I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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