We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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