I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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