Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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