He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize