I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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