We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
