update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
