Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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