dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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