got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
