Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize