my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Come share oat with me in your robe
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