Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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