god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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