Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
