he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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