found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
