I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
