Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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