If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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