don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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