My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize