her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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