Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
