hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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