There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
