It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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