just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
