Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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