My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize