The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
