I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
