Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
