I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
