Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
