after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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