I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
