mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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