I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
