Who wears a wallet chain?!
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
