It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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