Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
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