I just made out with a guy for $7.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize