I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize