i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
