The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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