I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
