So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
